A Step At A Time
by KatieHL
Summary: Janeway is trying to reconcile her feelings for Chakotay with her obligations of propriety.


Janeway could feel Chakotay's presence behind her before she saw him in her peripheral vision. He looked startled when she turned to face him, he'd thought she was totally absorbed in the padd she was reading. She set it down on the table next to her half-eaten lunch and smiled at him in greeting.

"Commander."

"Sorry to interrupt your lunch, Captain."

"Not at all, have a seat." He took her invitation and glanced warily at her plate of exotic looking food. She smiled widely.

"It took a lot of persuading to get Neelix to try cooking something a little less, how should we say-"

"Piquant?"

"I was going to say robust but come to think of it, yes. Spice plays havoc with my insides after a while."

"That looks spicy enough to power the warp core." Chakotay said doubtfully.

"Actually it's sort of a Talaxian version of Caesar Salad. What's on your mind?"

"Being the eventful week it has I was thinking about a relaxing walk along the Passa Myn coastline this evening. I have a couple of hours of holodeck time saved up, care to join me?"

"Oh, it sounds wonderful." Kathryn sighed for emphasis and a dreamy expression danced across her face. She picked up the padd again. "But I promised Tom I'd have these schematics for modifications to one of the shuttles looked over by this evening. On top of which I have about a dozen other reports to wade through with regards to repairs and modifications about the ship."

"All the more reason to take a break. You've been pushing yourself too hard as usual, you've been at these things," he lightly tapped the padd she still held in her hand, "studiously for the past two weeks."

"I am taking a break." 

Chakotay harrumphed his disbelief. "Not much of one. You've hardly even touched your lunch."

"I'll relax when I've finished. If I don't do them now they'll back up and I'll have twice as much to get through."

"Kathryn, you'd make a Plutoan tornado exhausted. You can't keep pushing yourself at such a pace."

Janeway frowned her annoyance. Her First Officer was pushing this a little too far. "This isn't abnormal, it's just work, you know that. What's this really about Chakotay?"

"I just think you should slow down a little. Reports and schematics will still be there tomorrow."

"Precisely. Which is why they should be dealt with now." 

Chakotay threw up his hands in exasperation and rose to his feet. "You know where to find me if you change your mind." 

Kathryn watched him retreat before turning back to the padd in her hand. After a few minutes she tossed it to the table, her thoughts scattered, she felt unable to concentrate. Perhaps Chakotay's relaxation plans had some merit. Her mind wandered as she began picking at her meal again. A moonlight sail, an afternoon walking through the Atlantean Gardens, a picnic amongst the overgrown ruins of a 16th century French castle. All these things she had shared with Chakotay on the holodeck over the past few months and they had been wonderfully therapeutic. The thought of adding to their excursions with a walk along one of the most beautiful coastlines in the entire Telorian System was tempting to say the least, but she felt guilty about abandoning so much work. Maybe just for half-an-hour...

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

In the end it was her lack of concentration that made the decision for her. No matter where she secluded herself to carry on with work she just couldn't absorb anything she was reading. So it was with little surprise that she found herself walking towards Chakotay's quarters rather than the mess hall for another cup of Neelix's somewhat potent brand of coffee.

Just as she held her hand out to ring the chime announcing her presence, the door whisked open with a hiss and she came face to chest with Chakotay. She looked up into his surprised face, a little unnerved at his close proximity.

"Kathryn, I-"

"I wondered if that invitation to join you on the holodeck was still open." She interrupted quickly stepping back and almost running into a passing ensign. When she looked back at him he was smiling.

"Of course. I was just about to come and try and convince you to do so." He held out a hand. "After you."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Computer, initiate holographic program entitled Passa Myn, authorisation Chakotay, 3258." Kathryn immediately felt her feet sink slightly into the sand of the idyllic beach as Passa Myn's coastline materialised around them. Chakotay grabbed her arm when she lost her balance and pulled her upright again. She willed herself to quell the flush that made to rise up her neck and cheeks when she realised that she was pressed firmly against him. 

He stepped back, breaking the contact and she wondered why she felt suddenly bereft. With no words they both began walking. Kathryn immediately realised that she should have changed clothes before coming here. Her standard Starfleet suit felt uncomfortably warm and her shoes were quickly filling with sand. 

"Aren't you hot?" Questioned Chakotay as if he had read her mind. He himself was dressed in a short-sleeved top and light trousers.

"A little," she admitted. "Let's walk a little closer to the water," she suggested. The more compacted sand helped solve the problem of her shoes but despite the gentle breeze that had started she still felt warm. She looked out across the huge expanse of beautiful blue-green water as if the very thought of entering it's coolness would be enough to lower her body temperature. 

"Would you like me to lower the temperature?" asked Chakotay suddenly. She turned to look at him, blinking as if coming out of a dream.

"What?"

"I asked if you wanted to adjust the temperature." Kathryn tried to digest his words but her attention focused on a butterfly that had settled on his shoulder. 

"Oh, isn't it beautiful...Chakotay, don't move." She moved forward so that she stood mere inches from him and raised her hand towards the fragile creature. She wasn't surprised when it flew off but she watched it head back inland with a smile on her face.

"Back home in Indiana there were always butterflies in the fields but I never saw one with such vibrant colour before." She looked up at him in pleasure. Chakotay gazed down at her delighted face and felt his pulse quicken as he took in her flushed cheeks and bright eyes. A few stray tendrils of her hair had escaped it's tight chignon and he reached up to softly push them back behind her ear. The smile on her face immediately evaporated and she stepped back awkwardly.

"I'll be right if I just get rid of this jacket," she said referring to his last question. She turned away from him to remove the offending garment. She continued walking unaware that Chakotay wasn't following her but was instead looking after her with a puzzled expression.

"Kathryn, what's wrong?" She stopped walking and hesitated a moment before turning back to face him.

"What do you mean? It's been a long day."

"I mean why do I feel as if I'm the last person you wish to be walking with at this moment?"

"You're the best person to answer that."

"Am I? Something's changed hasn't it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." He took his time walking towards her and she restrained herself against fleeing like a frightened animal. He stopped about three feet from her and regarded her thoughtfully.

"What's the real reason you've been pushing yourself so hard lately?"

"Chakotay, there's work to be done and I do it. There's nothing more going on." He didn't say anything as he contemplated if she was telling the truth.

"Come on, let's keep walking. I could use the light exercise and this place has a way of putting everything else from your mind." 

Far from it, Kathryn thought. Although it was beautiful and peaceful she felt restless. She was thinking about the unread reports waiting in her ready room when she realised what was wrong. Here she was captured by her own thoughts, the one's she had been trying to avoid lately. Mostly because they had to do with her conflicting emotions about her First Officer. He was right in that something had changed. 

She ventured a quick glance at his strong profile, now becoming a silhouette against the backdrop of the setting sun. There shouldn't be any conflicting emotions here she told herself. She was the Captain, he was her First Officer. In all honesty it didn't matter what rank he was, it was still against so many things she stood for to care for him in the way she did. She was the only person on this ship who didn't have the luxury of getting romantically involved with someone else.

Why was she destined to be alone? She thought about the people she had loved in her life and how they had been taken from her. Chet, Jason, her father, Mark. They had all been lost to her and for the first time she realised the implications of what she was forced to endure. She had never felt more alone than at that moment.

They had been walking almost an hour in silence when Chakotay heard Kathryn emit a soft whimpering sound. He looked at her in surprise and was stunned to see the far away look on her face and the sadness that seemed to surround her. He stopped walking but she continued on as if she didn't even know he was there. His instinct told him that something was seriously wrong. He jogged to catch up to her and stopped her by stretching a restraining arm in front of her body. She looked up at him in surprise, all the emotion she was feeling on her face for one brief second before she realised that she wasn't alone. She smiled at him wryly as her Captain's mask slipped into place.

"I'm sorry, I was daydreaming."

"It looked more like a nightmare. Kathryn, if there's something you need to talk about I'm here to listen. You do know that don't you?"

"I'm fine."

He felt annoyed that she kept shunting him. "You're not fine at all. You looked as if all the pain you've experienced in life had come back to haunt you." His voice softened in an appeal of reason. "Tell me what's wrong, we can work through it together."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay, but you are the last person that can help me. It's something I have to reconcile myself." She gazed out at the water, the soothing lapping movement helping to calm her strained nerves. She felt his hand, warm against her cheek as he turned her head back to face him. He was much closer than she had thought he was. It was unnerving her again. She didn't have this problem when they were on the Bridge, at work, why did she feel it when they were alone? She closed her eyes to block the sight of him and instead she found her sense of smell magnified the heady scent of him. 

"Kathryn, why won't you at least let me try to help you?"

"Because this concerns you." She opened her eyes and saw the startled look on his face. He recovered quickly.

"All the more reason to let me help." She shook her head and he reconsidered what she had meant. "If I've done or said anything-"

"No, that's not what I meant." She couldn't stop herself as she raised a hand to the cultural tattoo distinguished on his forehead. His hand came up to cover her own and pulled it down to intertwine his fingers with hers by his side. His other came up to cup her cheek softly. Everything in him felt so drawn to her by her obvious inner struggle that all he wanted to do was comfort her.

"Kathryn..." He lowered his head slowly toward hers, giving her time to pull back if that was what she wanted, but she stayed still, waiting. His mouth claimed hers so tentatively that she couldn't be sure she wasn't imagining it. Her lips parted and he captured her breath as he deepened the kiss. She melted against him as the hand on her cheek moved to her nape and pulled her against his chest. He was affecting her senses so strongly that she was aware of nothing but the longing and desire gnawing away at her insides. 

A long moment had passed when he gently pulled away from her, drawing a sharp, ragged breath. He wrapped his arms around her and kept her nestled against him. He felt the small shudders of her body as she cried silently against his shirt. He was struck by the profoundness of this moment even more than their kiss. Kathryn Janeway never cried, never revealed such a weakness, and he had no idea if what he'd done was right. He had felt so strongly about her for so long that maybe his judgement was clouded by his own wants. 

He knew the dilemma she was in being Captain. Such was her position that even her friends were essentially still her subordinates and she was expected to be an exemplary guide and leader. One who would and should endure personal sacrifice and anything for the benefit of her crew. But the circumstances and rules had changed and she couldn't be expected to live her entire life alone. She needed that connection as much as anyone else, perhaps even more. 

After several minutes Kathryn raised her head from Chakotay's chest and wiped at her eyes in embarrassment. She could count the number of times she had cried in her life on one hand. It was a weakness she loathed, much preferring to channel her emotions into something more productive like anger which gave her a compelling drive. She took a deep breath and pulled out of Chakotay's arms, stepping back and picking up her jacket which lay crumpled on the sand. She didn't know how to tell him what she must say.

"Chakotay-"

"Don't dismiss it so readily, Kathryn. You need this as much as I need you."

"I can't allow myself the luxury of this. This isn't propriety; I don't need this."

"You must need it somehow or it wouldn't have happened and you wouldn't be feeling so torn apart by it."

"It's bad for the ship, for the crew."

"This isn't about the crew, it's about you...and me. I can feel what I feel for you and still continue to do my job without incident, as could you. It's not a public arena, Kathryn, there are no judges out here no one looking over your shoulder. This whole situation of us being stranded in the Delta Quadrant is unique and we need to adapt. It would be worse for the crew if their Captain fell apart because of so much needless personal sacrifice."

His words disembowelled the reality of the situation so that she could almost believe him. "Chakotay-"

"You know what I'm saying is true. If it's not with me then so be it, but don't deny yourself because you'll only end up making yourself miserable." 

"Chakotay-"

"You don't always have to be the Captain; you're also Kathryn Janeway, and you need what every other person on this ship needs."

"Chakotay-" 

He continued on heedless of her continual attempts to speak. "This will only keep building-"

"Commander!" Her addressing him by rank stopped his tirade in surprise. Her expression revealed nothing to him, she was wearing that damn mask again, but he couldn't let her pull rank on this one.

"I'm sorry, but if you-"

"How many times am I going to have to tell you to shut up, Commander?" Kathryn had stepped forward and placed a hand over his mouth to quiet him. Far from the expected expression of anger she looked amused. 

"Now, if I take my hand away will you promise to be quiet for two seconds?" she asked in mock sternness. She felt his lips twitch against the palm of her hand and knew he was fighting a hopeful smile. He nodded his assent and she removed her hand.

"This isn't easy for me, Chakotay. What if something were to go wrong?"

"How will you know if-"

"Ah!" She lifted a hand to keep him quiet. "It's a risk and one that I wasn't sure I was willing to take."

His expression bordered between confusion and hope. "Wasn't?"

"It has been so easy and at the same time so difficult to feel the way I do about you."

"And how is that?"

"How do you feel about me?"

"I think you know."

"I need to hear it." She waited for his response trying to ignore her quickening pulse. And then in a moment of utter clarity she knew it before he spoke the words.

"I love you." She almost burst into tears again. Instead she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulling his head down she took his breath away with a burning kiss. 

Of all the times he had lain awake at night imagining this nothing could have prepared him for it. Their tender kiss from before held no comparison to the flood of love and desire that coursed through his body at warp speed and the knowledge that she wanted him as badly as he wanted her made the aching in his lower body throb relentlessly. She pushed against him in a restless gesture and it was all he could do not to lower her to the ground and make love to her right then and there. Dragging his mouth from hers he buried it against her neck, sending chills of pleasure down her spine. She gasped softly as his tongue found a tiny pulse beating frantically at her collarbone.

"I love you," she whispered into his ear and suddenly she felt him still. He said nothing and she was suddenly so afraid that she had just made the worst mistake of her life. But his arms tightened and he hugged her so fiercely that she thought she would break. And as he lifted his head to gaze at her all her doubts dissipated in the face of the love she saw shining in his eyes.

"This will work, Kathryn. We just need to take it one step at a time." She nodded and smiled then kissed him lightly. He reached down to take her hand in his and together they began to walk.


End file.
